How to Show Up for Yourself
by Karen Frazier
I have always prided myself on being someone who shows up for the people in my life. If somebody needs me, I’m there. My word is my bond, so if I make a commitment to someone, I always follow through. I do what I say I will when other people are involved.
But when it’s just me? Not quite so much.
I’m great at showing up for others, but historically, I’ve been terrible at showing up for myself.
Who can relate? Yeah — I thought so.
Why is it so easy to show up for everyone else, but not for yourself? Why is it that we value our commitments to other people, but we don’t value similar commitments we make for ourselves?
Most likely, it’s a pattern we don’t even notice. Maybe we had it modeled for us when we were kids by the adults in our lives. Maybe somewhere along the line, we learned that our wants and needs were less important than other people’s. Maybe we don’t want to be perceived as selfish. Maybe it’s performative martyrdom. Maybe it’s people pleasing. Perhaps it’s all of the above.
Everybody’s story is different, and there are as many reasons why someone doesn’t show up for themselves as there are people who have this behavior pattern.
I can really only share my reason. I didn’t realize I was doing it. It’s a pattern of behavior I’ve had all my life that I didn’t recognize until I was nearly six decades in. And when I did recognize it, it was such an ingrained behavior that it took a ton of awareness and effort to notice and consistently choose something different.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve made promises to myself or set goals only to let them fall by the wayside almost immediately. And every time I failed to keep a commitment to myself, I reinforced the self-perception that I was somebody who lacked motivation, discipline, time, willpower, or whatever other “lack of” I could chalk it up to in the moment.
My reasons shifted with each dropped commitment, but in hindsight, I can see a few patterns. My failing to show up for myself always sprang from a consciousness of lack instead of one of abundance, and I always chalked it up to a lack of motivation, rather than recognizing that all I truly needed was some discipline and self-love.
While I was busy showing up for everyone else in my life, I truly believed I lacked the time, resources, energy, and willpower to do the same for me. And what you believe usually becomes your reality, so my experience was that I was great at showing up for others, and that mattered more than showing up for me.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, I suspect you’re far from alone. There are many of us who do it because we truly believe that we have what it takes to give to others, but we don’t have the right stuff to give to ourselves and receive from others.
Giving to others all the time without self-care or allowing yourself to receive creates an energetic imbalance that will first manifest as symptoms in the body, mind, or spirit. The symptoms are the first warning sign. When we ignore them (because of course we do, we’re busy showing up for others, after all), they get louder and more persistent until, ultimately, we get what I call the “universal two-by-four,” where the universe smacks us upside the head in order to get us to pay attention.
We might lose a job, for example, have our health break down, or experience some other crisis. No matter what it is, though, that two-by-four puts our backs up against the wall, and suddenly we have no choice but to pay attention to our own needs. We have to prioritize ourselves in these times. Ask me how I know.
I see this pattern all the time in my energy healing clients, and I’ve come to recognize it in myself. Over the past few years, I’ve been consciously aware of it and actively working to change it.
Showing up for myself wasn’t easy when I started, but now it has just become part of who I am. It is a discipline. I’m no longer willing to negotiate with myself, nor am I willing to give myself excuses to back out of the commitments I make to myself. Instead of believing I lack the resources to show up for myself, I’ve changed my story. Just as I show up for other people, I show up for me, too. But to get to where I am now as someone who consistently shows up for myself, I had to build self-efficacy to create the energy in my life of someone who engages in self-care.
How do you do that? Meet yourself where you are. Start small. Show up for something small, and do it consistently. If, for instance, your goal is to get in shape, but you haven’t exercised in years, realize that immediately going out and running five miles is probably going to hurt like heck and reinforce your belief that you can’t do hard things.
But what if, instead, you went out for a five-minute walk a couple of times per day? And then for a six-minute walk. Then seven. These are small, doable tasks that meet you where you currently are, but also show you that you’re capable of doing it.
I’m pretty proud of myself. I’ve been consistently showing up for myself for the past two years, and my life is so much better for having done it. The things I used to believe I lacked, I now know I have. Here are my simple tips for starting to show up for yourself.
Meet yourself where you are. It’s great to have a big goal, but break it up into small, achievable bits so you can start to build trust and self-efficacy.
Stop negotiating with yourself. Make a commitment and stick to it.
Pay attention to your thoughts. No judgment, just noticing. Notice when you slip into lack consciousness and see if you can reframe it to a statement of abundance.
Give yourself grace. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Learning to show up for yourself is a process, and occasionally you’ll backslide. That’s okay! Just get right back on it as soon as you can. All-or-nothing thinking hampers growth.
Do some shadow work. Our unwillingness to show up for ourselves often arises because of thoughts and beliefs we don’t even recognize we have, because we’ve buried them in our shadows. If you need help, I’m available for appointments to help you get started.
Consider talk therapy. If it’s a lack of self-worth that’s driving your inability to show up for yourself, and you can’t work it through on your own, consider sitting down with a therapist to help you work it through.
Spring is a time of new beginnings. Of rebirth. And what better way to celebrate than by birthing a new you by finally showing up for yourself? It’s not selfish to do so — it’s essential. And I bet that, like me, you’ve proven you can keep your commitments by showing up for everyone except you. Isn’t it time you put all that beautiful loving energy into yourself? Not only can it heal your life, but it gives you more energy to share with others, too. You’ve got this. I believe in you. It’s time you started believing in yourself.